My List of Gym Grievances

You will be able to tell what my grievances are by the below statements:

1. Wife beaters and tatoos and extra-long basketball shorts don't make you gangsta, especially if you have pale skin and a pot-belly.

2. Women over 40 - just because you are not a size 26W does not give you liberty to exercise in only a sports bra. Cover that up.

3. Women over 40 that are a size 26W - spandex is not your friend. You in spandex is not friendly to fellow gym-goers either. Please keep this in mind during your next sportswear purchase.

4. No, your hair is not too pretty to put in a ponytail. (You know who you are.)

5. If you're not sweating, then you're not serious enough. So go home and stop taking up valuable space. It's not a Miss America pageant. It's a gym.

6. Basketball players - there is a little concept I like to call defense. It's when you guard your guy so that he doesn't get the ball. If he does, you're supposed to not let him score. And you're also not supposed to slap your guy's arm if he's puttin the moves on you. That's a foul. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Move your feet and guard him right or take the whippin' like a man. Defense: learn it, live it, love it.

7. To the one basketball player that looks like the retarded twin to Orlando Brown - You have no basketball skills whatsoever. You are slow, uncoordinated, and blind. You telegraph your passes, shoot airballs, and can't dribble to save your life. Yet you insist on playing point guard and driving into the lane covered by three defensive players, plus the guy who's guarding you!! To make matters worse, you don't even see that there are then FOUR open people on your team to whom you should pass the ball to for an easy score. How is it that you keep showing up on my team? You have got to go.

8. To the Mr. Universe wanna-bes in the Affliction t-shirts - here's a little diddy I like to call "You're So Vain."
You walked into the gym like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically cocked to the right
Your brim was straight
You had one eye on the mirror as you watched yourself flex
And all the girls dreamed that you would move out
Move out of their way, and

You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you
You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, that's my version of the song, at least. Maybe I'll finish it one day.

PS - you are also short.

9. Lesbians - don't be checkin me out.

10. Boys - can you pelase share the cable machine or do you really all have to use it at once?


I will leave it at that. Please post a comment on what your gym grievances are. I look forward to hearing from you!